Sunday, May 11, 2003

*laughs shakily* You will not believe what happened to me the past few months.

I am semi-happily co-existing with my ex-girlfriend. The apartment is perfect for us, with enough room for us to avoid each other if need be. Expense-wise I'm not doing too badly; I just passed the national pharmacy certification exam, which means a nice big raise. It also means I don't really have to worry about losing my job now, or ever, which, considering what's happened the past few weeks, is really fucking lucky

So what's the big problem, you ask?

I just spent a week in the hospital after slicing my arm open in two places with a razor blade. No stitches necessary, but I will have scars, probably permanent. The hospital is a scary place to be... when I was first there they stuck me on the wrong floor, so I was with a whole bunch of seriously psycho people. Not fun.

My treatment was something called electro-convulsive therapy, or ECT, which consists of doctors knocking you out and shooting electricity through your brain until you have a seizure. I think it helped, but it blanked a lot of my memory. I don't really remember much of the past month. To top it off, I had to move home for two weeks while I was getting the ECT. Pure fucking hell. I thought my mother was going to drive me insane. She may still do so; she and dad seem to think they need to call and check up on me ten times a day.

So yeah, the biggest problem is the blanked-out memory and the inability to hold a rational conversation because I keep forgetting what I want to say. I hope I do okay when I start back at work this coming week.

As an upside, however, Jess has been an absolute angel throughout the entire mess, I don't know what I would have done without her support. So thanks, Jessi-san *glomps*

I'm going to try and re-enter the internet world, but I don't know how well I'm going to do. I miss all of you guys, really. So feel free to IM me, I'm too timid to make the first step.

I realize I make very little sense. However, I don't know how to fix the problem.

Ria last swam in circles at 09:46 p.m.

Tuesday, March 4, 2003

Okay, life is a mess. But it's looking up. That's a good thing, right?

I start working at the new store tomorrow.. I'm honestly a bit nervous, but I suppose I'll survive. I really like pharmacy, so that helps.

I love the new apartment. Somehow having your own place makes you really protective of it. I've started picking up after myself, cleaning up the kitchen, trying to make things look neat and nice... scary, no? Ringo, my rat, is getting used to it here, and he has more space to roam in.

My recent obsession with BDSM scares even me. ^^;; Of course it wont come to anything, unless I find someone willing to be dominant, and who knows if that is ever gonna happen. Oh well. What will be, will be.

There, I blogged. *sticks out tongue at Jess* So there!

Ria last swam in circles at 11:43 p.m.

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

Gods, sometimes I hate when things change. Even when you know the change is coming, even when you know it's probably for the best... I hate it. It's more to worry about, and god knows I don't need any more worry. And besides that, it... It throws me off. When something in the basic fabric of my life changes, it's sort of like someone just ripped me apart, and now I have to put myself back together again. It doesn't matter what the change is. Good change, bad change, it's all the same. The problem is, now is a very bad time for more change.

I'm moving out in a week and a half. I'm changing jobs at the same time. All the stress and change that I can handle, and... well, life throws me a curve ball. It shouldn't be the end of the world, but it feels like it - and I suddenly feel like I'm falling apart.

I know things will get better. Intellectually, I know that my confusion and pain will go away. But until it actually happens... really, what I need right now, is a hug and a kiss, a snuggle and a promise.

I guess I can't ask for those any more.

I am not alone, but sometimes, in a world where people change so suddenly, a world of 'spontaneous reconfiguration', there is very little difference between being surrounded and being alone.

Ria last swam in circles at 01:20 a.m.

Friday, February 14, 2003

You know, sometimes I hate myself.

I know I haven't blogged in a while, but I remember blogging used to make me feel better, so I guess I'll give it a shot.

I don't really have a reason to be unhappy. I've got a beautiful apartment, a good job, and a reasonably planned out future. Prospects are good. My parents have finally realized that I'm no longer a child, and are treating me with respect. I even managed to talk them into giving me all the furniture in my room.

I should feel great, right?

I know better than to blame this all on my medications. They've been working just fine, except for the occasional headache and the shaking in my hands. The problem I'm having now isn't physical. No, this problem is me, and I need to sort it out before I drive myself insane.

No one really needs me, you know. I need people; that is something I've known for years now. I need to have someone there to give me a hug, to make me laugh, to give me someone to try to impress, to give me someone to love. If I try to live in my head too much, things get screwy. I need some sort of tie to the outside world. I think that makes me codependant, or something - don't ask me, I'm not a psychologist. The times when I didn't have anyone (third through fifth grade, eighth grade, nineth grade, and, sorry to say, twelth grade) I can honestly say were the worst points of my life. I've got the fucking scars to prove it.

It has only recently occured to me that, while I depend on other people, no one depends on me. No one needs me. No one looks forward to phone calls, casual meetings, and dates with me with the same sort of longing that I have for them.

I know people would miss me. My parents would be heartbroken, for starters. But if I were to go away, no one would feel lost without me. I'm unneeded, unnecessary. I have made no mark upon the world, other than the fact that I am here.

I don't know if this makes any sense to you, and quite honestly, I don't care. I'm not going to kill myself, I'm not going to run away again.

It just hurts. Maybe I'm not good enough.

Ria last swam in circles at 09:51 p.m.

Sunday, February 2, 2003

Wah, I never blog. Ah well, many things have happened!

Jess and I just leased an apartment! It's kinda scary... I mean, I don't know if I'll be able to afford it, or if Jess and I can live together comfortably... but it should be fun. It's an awesome apartment complex, complete with swimming pool, exersize room, and hot tub ^_~ The apartment itself is huge! It's more than we were intending to spend, but we got a good deal and we really love the place. It's within walking distance of a Snyders (where I am in the process of trying to get a job) and it's right on Jess' bus route... and it's far enough away from my parents, methinks! I can't wait to move in... but I figure I'd better work a little first. I need more money. Desperately.

I'm signed up to take the pharmacy tech exam at the end of March, so I need to study like mad. At least I find it vaguely interesting, no? It'll pretty much guarentee that I can get a job at any pharmacy anywhere. And it'll guarentee a good salary. I hope I pass!

Right at the moment, my back aches. Wah.

Ah well, life goes on!

Ria last swam in circles at 03:11 p.m.

Friday, January 24, 2003

Gah, I really have to remember to blog. I've been so out of it lately, it's unbelievable.

So, anyways, I've found myself a job... sort of. I'm not actually hired yet, but I'm getting registered for work in the pharmacy, so after it goes through I'll have an automatic in. Everyone needs pharmacy techs.

Jess and I are looking at apartments... my cousin Jen is considering living with us as well, but if she doesn't start returning my phone calls we'll have to forget about it.

My hands are cold and my brain is fried. It's a wonderful day.

Well, I kinda accidentally let it slip to Cara, a pharmacist I work with, that I have a girlfriend. I think she's finally getting over the shock. ^_^

My parents are getting on my nerves to an amazing degree. It's getting to the point that I don't even want to talk to them at all, cause every time I do they try to convince me not to move out. And I'm broke, so I've had to borrow money, which hasn't helped the situation at all. I can't wait to get away.

Not a very interesting blog, but hell, my brain isn't working and I can hardly type, due to medicine shakiness and cold hands. So blah.

*Blows a kiss to Jess*

Ria last swam in circles at 11:33 p.m.

Wednesday, January 15, 2003

*gazes at new layout* Pretty....

I'm back! Since I've got this gorgeous new layout, I guess I'm just gonna have to start boring you with tales of an eighteen-year-old nothing.

Me? Low self-esteem? Whatever do you mean? ^_~

So anyways, I am now on the hunt for the elusive full-time job. Since I'm losing my insurance in February (on my birthday, no less) I need to find a job that has benefits. And preferably, higher pay. Because although I could survive working forty hours weekly on my present salary, living at poverty level doesn't sound exactly appealing. Gee, wonder why.

Jess and I are planning to move in the middle of March, hopefully to somewhere equidistant (cannot spell) between both her school and my prospective school. I think my mom still thinks I'm gonna back out and live at home, but my mom also thinks I'm 'sexually confused,' so her opinion doesn't mean all that much, no?

My medications finally seem to be working, but I've been shaking a lot, so I think I ought to talk to my psychiatrist. It's getting to the point where I continually drop stuff. My coworkers must think I'm incredibly clumsy.

My future is filled with visions of pill counting.

Anyone have a few spare bucks to share? Bill Gates? Whoever it was who won the insanely large powerball last month? Anyone?

Ria last swam in circles at 10:04 p.m.

Sunday, January 12, 2003

Wahahaha! I have hyjacked Ria's blog!! Wahahahaha!

Anywho, enjoy Hikaru-chan and the purdy fishy. ^_^

Jessi last swam in circles at 07:45 p.m.